This is a thought ramble. It will probably embarrass me later.
So I don't know. I don't know why I do things sometimes, and that's probably okay. Probably. Recently I did something, wrote something for a person on twitter that I don't really know (and that doesn't know me at all), but somehow...I thought I could help, since that person seems to be going through a hard time.
I don't know what it's like for others, but about my only gift is sometimes I can say things which, if taken in the right light, can make someone's day feel better. And I thought...well, I don't know how twitter works at all, but maybe if someone reads it, they'll feel a little better, inspired maybe, if I'm lucky.
I should also mention that most of the things I do that are "out-there" are done late at night, so I can regret them in the morning (it's like that for everyone, right?).
It's the first time I've put something out in the public domain. Well, where people have a chance of reading it anyway. I had fun doing it and I tied it in a pretty bow, which in retrospect probably camouflaged it from what it really was.
The result? No response. Not from that person, not from anyone else, in fact I barely know if anyone read it at all.
And then I realised...this is what it must be like for people.
Recently I'd been talking to some friends about how dangerous the internet is. Not in the regular ways, which we all know about, but in that these days with a lot of people creating things, many of them turn to the internet first. Whereas before most artists would start in the physical realm and build approval from family and friends, before moving onto a wider circle, these days it's just easier to put it online. In the Knives-Out arena.
Knives-Out is very dangerous for a sensitive soul, which is a trait almost endemic to creators. People who parcel off pieces of their heart, soul, and mind for other people are naturally very exposed by this process, and Knives-Out can cut to the quick. And a couple of days ago, I got my taste of it.
I didn't even experience any knives, just the internet equivalent of a Blank Stare...which, I suppose, is probably for the best. Don't get me wrong, I've had things out there before, but generally speaking I tend to sharply limit my exposure, and I hadn't done something this far out before.
It really made me glad, though. Glad that my preferred route isn't the aether of the electrowaves, where you can rise high and fall low on a whim, but rather the tried and tested book-in-hand world. The drawback of that is it mostly relies on a finished product, but I think, in retrospect, that's not such a bad thing. I like talking to people, but I don't like instability in what I am. If I turn out to be a crappy author, so be it, but if I rose and fell on the passing whim of internet wanderers...well, I don't think I would endure that very well at all.
What do you think? Knives-Out or the Ruthless Realm of 'irl'?