Exit; Stage Left

It had been a while since I'd really felt part of an online community, most of mine having either disbanded or fallen quiet in more recent years.

Of course I had to go and screw it up.

There's a point, I think, where I'm revealed to be a douchebag. Sometimes it takes years, or months, but whichever it is, I can be sure it's coming. Not that it's usually something I can control, or even aim for, just something that seems to pop up at some point.

This time, I wasn't really expecting it. This time, it took less than three weeks.

It wasn't the biggest, worst thing I've ever done. I take a little comfort in that. At least as I age I'm failing a little better than before, and knowing to quit before I ruin things for everyone. At least sometimes. But for a student of people, I really don't get how I keep stepping into it. The teachers at school always said I talked to much, guess my mouth is still getting me into trouble.

It was fun, though. The days leading up to disaster, I mean. Hanging with people, getting to talk to them, being excited to see them and getting to chat about writing in a more meaningful way...yeah, it was fun. But I guess it wasn't to be. Probably wasn't the right place for me, since I learned on exit that I had been rubbing people wrong for a long time. I don't like that. I like knowing when I'm pissing someone off, not being in the dark about it. I guess that's my fault for being blind and over-excited.

I'm starting to think there really isn't a place for me. Each time I think people get me, I turn out to be wildly mistaken, and it's only getting worse with age. I'm getting too old and set in my ways, and sometimes, even when I know I shouldn't, I let myself go and relax. I expect people to tell me what's on their mind, because I tend to just say what's on mine straight out.

This time I was seen to be passive aggressive, a loudmouth (probably true), trying to dominate the chat, and attacking people. I guess I've come farther and farther away from being able to express myself in text in a way that people can understand. That, or I've just become a douchebag.

I'm sure it's probably the latter :p

Ah well. It was a good three weeks at least. Now I'll get back to finishing this writing on my own...write too slow, read not enough, and talk too much. Not exactly traits that make a good writer.

Peace.