Friday, 29 May 2015

Hard Coded

Never violate a woman, nor harm a child.  Do not lie, cheat or steal.  These things are for lesser men.  Protect the weak against the evil strong.  And never allow thoughts of gain to lead you into the pursuit of evil.
- Druss the Legend

There are some things I can easily say myself, for everything else there's David Gemmell.

This is a version of the code by which I live my life. The code my parents instilled with their actions more than their words. Finish what you start. If you do something make sure you do it right. Protect those who cannot protect themselves. Stand up for what's right. Judge fairly, but also with compassion. Only harm those who do you ill, or those with ill intent. And if you should fail, make amends.

This is why you will never see me two-faced. Why I don't pretend not to have made mistakes. Why I own up to my actions. Why I strive to help people, rather than hurt them. Why I defend my friends, and my foes as well, if they are right.

This is why I have never trolled someone. Why I don't attack people. Why I only use one name on the internet, and if you got here you'd have to know it. Because Ikalx is me. Everything that's done in that name, links straight back to this person I've built and doesn't go away. I don't make a new name, a new identity, whenever I see fit. This is all I have. The integrity and honour in this name is bound inexorably to me. All the wrongs and all the rights are here to stay.

And I wouldn't have it any other way. This is how I show I am a person and not just an avatar. It's why I've never felt I needed a picture to prove I was human, and why I don't demand that in others either.

Some people reading might not believe or understand that. For some people, when they see me write that I'm a terrible person, they think I mean a truly terrible person. Someone who often enjoys harming and devaluing others. They see me call myself a scumbag and in their heads it's an "ah-hah!" moment, and an admission of guilt.

They don't see that I call myself a scumbag because I caused someone pain that day.

When they see me say I've betrayed someone, they don't realise I've said that because I failed to become the more that I should have been.

Because that's how I see life. I don't make my morals on a comparative scale to the people around me. I don't do something because everyone else is doing it. They are absolute. And if I do do something wrong, I swallow my pride and apologise for it.

So if you see me doing something wrong, call me on my bullshit. Talk to me about it. Tell me I'm doing wrong. Don't just sit in the dark nursing a grudge, tell it to me. Because nine times out of ten the response you'll get is a shamefaced one, and a promise to do better.

Thought it was about time I clarified that.

Thursday, 21 May 2015

Exit; Stage Left

It had been a while since I'd really felt part of an online community, most of mine having either disbanded or fallen quiet in more recent years.

Of course I had to go and screw it up.

There's a point, I think, where I'm revealed to be a douchebag. Sometimes it takes years, or months, but whichever it is, I can be sure it's coming. Not that it's usually something I can control, or even aim for, just something that seems to pop up at some point.

This time, I wasn't really expecting it. This time, it took less than three weeks.

It wasn't the biggest, worst thing I've ever done. I take a little comfort in that. At least as I age I'm failing a little better than before, and knowing to quit before I ruin things for everyone. At least sometimes. But for a student of people, I really don't get how I keep stepping into it. The teachers at school always said I talked to much, guess my mouth is still getting me into trouble.

It was fun, though. The days leading up to disaster, I mean. Hanging with people, getting to talk to them, being excited to see them and getting to chat about writing in a more meaningful way...yeah, it was fun. But I guess it wasn't to be. Probably wasn't the right place for me, since I learned on exit that I had been rubbing people wrong for a long time. I don't like that. I like knowing when I'm pissing someone off, not being in the dark about it. I guess that's my fault for being blind and over-excited.

I'm starting to think there really isn't a place for me. Each time I think people get me, I turn out to be wildly mistaken, and it's only getting worse with age. I'm getting too old and set in my ways, and sometimes, even when I know I shouldn't, I let myself go and relax. I expect people to tell me what's on their mind, because I tend to just say what's on mine straight out.

This time I was seen to be passive aggressive, a loudmouth (probably true), trying to dominate the chat, and attacking people. I guess I've come farther and farther away from being able to express myself in text in a way that people can understand. That, or I've just become a douchebag.

I'm sure it's probably the latter :p

Ah well. It was a good three weeks at least. Now I'll get back to finishing this writing on my own...write too slow, read not enough, and talk too much. Not exactly traits that make a good writer.


Friday, 15 May 2015

To the Girl

Are you kidding?

Do you even see yourself?

Some people start as flowers. You can't change that. They bloom and bloom and bloom. But every flower has its season, and the only way to stop that tide is to flow with it, knowing that being a flower isn't about blooming, but about putting new shoots forth, changing and growing as your seasons change. Because that is beauty. Becoming more than you were, ever growing and stretching towards the sun.

But you're different. You're like a little sapling. And as you grow and change, your majesty will only become more apparent. You are anything but boring. Funny and witty and smart do not do you justice. And the next thing you know you'll be walking next to a guy who's talking earnestly to you, who can't believe that he's getting to do so.

And you might not realise it then, because in you're eyes you're just you, but to that guy there's nothing 'just' about you. And he'll want to make that moment last forever, because he knows he can't say it, and he won't. He's just a kid, and doesn't know that the words have power, doesn't know that gently taking your hand might actually have you smiling at him.

He doesn't know that you don't understand why he's like this. That you see him as bright and fun and wildly effervescent, but don't see that you're the reason.

And if he's a good guy, he won't know. Perhaps he'll be brave and take the chance anyway. But if he isn't, if he's just a guy, a guy who is cool and caring and wonderful but doesn't know it, try to make that walk last.

Try to let him see that you're enjoying his company, and give him that little bit of time to show you what he really is.

Because you might regret it, a year or two down the line. He might not be worth it after all, might not be that guy you thought he was.

But sometimes it's sadder still to remember a night where someone bright walked at your side, and yet forget who they were or what they looked like. And instead just hold the feeling of a path missed, of something wonderful lost by the wayside.

Life is tough. Life is hard, and we have to live with our mistakes. But don't let that magic pass you by, roll on to be just a whisper of a memory. Let it live. If only for a night, let that feeling blaze to the stars. Because that's life, that's the magic of the universe, that's the stuff of dreams.

That's where miracles happen.