Tuesday 26 August 2014

Reflections in a Murky Pool

Today's been harder than it has a right to be. I haven't done anything constructive and the evening in particular has been a pretty low tide. I know I should have just gone to bed, but I don't feel like it.

It's probably not a great idea but I think about her a lot. Trying to figure out if I'll ever find someone as good, and whether I really love her. I thought so, but when she needed me to I couldn't step up, which would seem to indicate otherwise. I think maybe I really do need to fix myself before I get involved with anyone else, and while I was trying to do that...

I guess it didn't go so well.

Now I don't have very much at all. I said goodbye to the person who filled these last few years with happiness and I still have little to nothing achieved with my life. No job, no book, no friends nearby.

Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm living outside of life. And I feel like maybe if a miracle occurs maybe one day I'll have everything I want. Maybe I'll be in a position to help my friends, pay off my debts, and really...I don't know. Live again, maybe. Have fun and do things with actual people.

I'm getting on now. I really can't ignore that I'm no longer in my twenties, and with these recent events I'm starting to run out of steam. It's not that I have things to complain about, it's just that...enough is enough. I want to get busy livin'.

In a way it's a shame that power's in my hands, since it seems like all I know how to do is squander it.

-----

Well, there is some good news. I did manage to get the opening scene/prologue for Elemental sorted, in my head at least. Some of that's down on paper, but I'm just glad I finally got inspired by that part of the story. The most important part now is to try to maintain the actual 'feel' of the scene, because when I thought it, I felt the layout of that land too, and the feeling opened up a whole new avenue of thought.

Is that a strange way to describe it? What I mean is it gave me the feeling of a different book within what I had written, which is more or less what I was looking for. I might need to re-read a few David Gemmell books to recapture the mindset though.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Ahoy Thar Shipmaet! We be sailin' t3h failboat seas!