Friday 22 August 2014

How I Saw The Fall

I do not understand the universe.

This makes me glad because I have a tendency to think I have it all figured out. And while, hey, I might know a few things, that idea that I've got a handle on it all somewhat disgusts me. Especially for someone in my position. I haven't walked the length and breadth of this world, so why would I have all the answers? Surely there are so many more ideas and viewpoints and startling discoveries out there, simply in the way we think, that I can't afford to close those doors just yet. Even if I am older, I can't afford myself that luxury if I want to keep growing.

I'll have to get a thicker, more stubborn, doorstop.

What I really wanted to talk about though was writing. Or creating. Or simply trying to speak out in the world.

One of the things that proves to be a major stumbling block for most of us (myself included), is that we miss the middle. We're inspired and encouraged by people that we deem great and admirable, and we start something hoping that one day, we too, can be just like those people.

We're often told that it's the journey that matters, not the destination, but a subtle truth is that it's easiest to reflect on the journey once you're at your destination. After all, you can see where you've been.

And really, we want to become our own version of great as soon as possible. Oh we might not want praise or fame or money, or we might simply tell ourselves that, but the truth is we know that all those things bring with them what we want. An audience.

The thing is, most people get dissuaded from their pursuit somewhere between starting off and getting there. We don't bother starting if we can't get to that critical mass, and you never really look at something that you've done and think it was useless. Even if the work was worthless in the end, the building of the work was useful. Even if you hate it, the fact that you created did something that you somehow know was good. There was a subtle shifting inside. You contributed. You achieved.

The real problem is with the middle.

The middle is this vast, sparse wasteland where we struggle to travel between our voices reaching no one, and reaching everyone. People give up in droves at this point. They give up because they haven't found their message, or they haven't found their medium, or they don't believe in themselves, or they don't think it's worth the time, or they don't think the message is important, or they don't think anyone will listen, or for numerous other reasons.

They give up because of the isolation.

They give up because it's hard.

Writing, creating, or simply talking isn't hard. I am a firm believer in this. People say that they are, but I'm not afraid to say I disagree. When I write I channel energy and life through my mind and body and soul, and my hands print that down as words. Words that, if I'm doing it well, will be understood without complication by the reader.

No, what I think is really difficult is the middle. And this, coincidentally, is why I know I don't understand the universe and why I'm happy not to, at least not yet.

Because the middle has meaning. The middle is powerful. The middle is more important than the beginning or the end.

It's such a strange idea when we live in a world that is measured by accomplishments. We know that when we achieve people tick off a box in their heads and listen a little more attentively. Or heck, just listen.

And then we get to speak.

Because when we started, we would speak and no one would really take our words to heart. Or maybe it would reach a few but not many, and that doesn't really change the world. When someone half the globe away picks up your creation and praises it, or even picks it apart, the important thing you know is that it's reaching people. The underlying message you wanted to send, or thing you wanted to say, somehow imbedded in your work.

Because that's how you were inspired to begin with.

They say you don't get something for nothing, and that anything worth doing takes effort. But therein lies something I want to put a spotlight on:

The middle is damn hard.

So what are its secrets?

I don't know the answer. I do know with some things, simply standing is the most important thing. But I don't know if the middle is any different. I've been in the middle of that wasteland many times, in many facets of my life, and I've laid down and died. I could even feel it happening. I could feel myself shrinking, becoming less, giving up and falling apart. I could tell myself everything in the world and it wouldn't matter, because secretly I would know. In my heart of hearts I had another chance and I gave up.

There's been too much of that in my life, from my most recent love life to my distant past and all the hurdles I failed to leap through academically. From my self and all I know I've shut away and kept hidden, the box tightening and growing smaller as time goes by.

I've been stuck in the middle so often I pass my own sign posts. So often that now it occurs to me to really have a look around. To try to understand not why the journey is important, but why the middle is the most worthwhile. To understand the rewards I should notice as I take each step, climb up brick by brick, dodging pitfalls and dodgy hand holds as I go.

Perhaps it is merely that - when you climb, you look towards the sky, and you can see the ground far below. It is at that point you are actually the most inspired and alive because you know where you are going and where you've been. Once you get to your destination you only know where you've been, when you start you only know where you're going.

When you're in the middle you have everything to gain and everything to lose.

I really think there's a secret hidden within that, a metaphor for life staring me in the face. What makes it the most important thing, hard enough to take the most time and test the hardiest of souls? The point where a few people listen but not enough, never enough. Where you are inspiring, but only to a few. Where you are entertaining or enlightening, but only to a few.

Where you matter, but only to a few.

It's 4:50am and I still can't get it.

I have so much to learn. So much more to grow. Perhaps one day I can really appreciate the struggle over the goal, but until that day I'll keep one thing in my heart.

I will climb.

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