Tuesday, 20 September 2011

The wheel's a turnin'

Sometimes you stop and think,

and stop...

...and realise.

Recently, I had the chance to be reminded of what life is like in my head... and where I wanted to go with that. I don't have all the answers, I don't have the skills, and perhaps I don't have the dedication... but what I do have is the talent.

I assume someone up there knew I was going to be lazy, and so blessed me in a hundred different ways... well, I have to keep reminding myself that those abilities are there for a reason, and have to be used lest I slide back into my hole.

There's a reason i'm here, and that destiny must be fulfilled.

Once again I find myself yearning towards the creation of what I want. Not just the start, but every ounce of it... to birth it, pour life into it, and let the ball start rolling... is the least I can do.

I can't give up.

I can't give up on this world or myself...

...because he entrusted it to me.

Saturday, 3 September 2011

A Time of Change

Things have changed.

They have, and they have not.

They should change more.

My father is... well, you know. The most natural thing occurred, and he's gone. It'll catch up to me in a while.

But life has changed. Now I have looming prospects for a life with someone and my heart is tugging me all over the place. I guess i'm still keeping it normal, but i'm also trying to change, because it's time. I have to do everything now, because it's the right time.

Still, I get the feeling I can take a bit of time. Let things hit me slowly so I don't hit the wall and slide to the floor in a mess. I'm a bit lazy at cleaning up.

I don't know how to explain it, but I just feel so lucky I had so much time with him. And I feel... I have to be a better man, I have to be...so I can follow his example. So I can be even better than he was to me.

It's a tough job, but I should at least try. So one day when I tell my children I loved my father very much, they will understand what I mean.

Sunday, 23 January 2011

A Note on a Life

On balance, life has been very good to me. I've had more blessings than any man has a right to, I have no disadvantages in this life, and I have had no tragedies so far.

I live a luxurious life, with no lack of comforts and I have been brought up in a loving family and taught the values of life, and what should really be important. While growing up, everything I needed was given to me and not everything I wanted was indulged - just as it should be when raising a child. I am the youngest of four children and have been more than a little spoilt.

The thing about my life is... if today I passed away, finally signed my signature at the bottom of a piece of paper that represented my life, I imagine someone - maybe the guardian of the next world - reading that paper and seeing on the left everything that had been given to me and everything on the right that I had done with it. Like some crazy stats page from a rpg where they have my physical and mental state, my home and local environment and all the things that'd happened to me...and then on the right.. nothing. Not one thing.

I can imagine that being looking at that paper and kinda quizzically asking "what's this?" and shaking it.

Because you see.. my life is... it's basically an affront to the world. It's offensive. I can't look at all the things i've been given and then say i've accomplished nothing with it. I can't say "oh yeah, I couldn't really be bothered to actually do anything". Who would accept that? I wouldn't, i'd damn myself to the tenth level of hell for an answer like that. How offensive is it to say i've had everything and done nothing with it when so many people have not even close to what i've got - both material and intangible?

I'd find that offensive, I would. It's the biggest sin I could do to this world and the people in it. It's a sin to that which gave me life. It's a sin to the earth and all the things that had to die for me to live this comfortable life.

It's a sin to just exist without living.

It may not be my past, but that's my life... and i'm quite terrified to die now, without having added anything to this world, this universe. I'm horrified with the thought of having nothing to say for myself. I just don't hate everyone enough to be able to do that.

I don't know if you can understand that.. but it would be like spitting into the faces of everyone I love...because as much as I loathe what a lot of us are today, and what the world is like...I love humanity. We're just so amazing, so full of potential for compassion, imagination, honour, kindness...such a potential for Good. And we could be so wonderful, we could accomplish anything, we could fly above the clouds and past the stars...we could make anything real. Our potential is so great, and yet......

...we bicker and fight. Lights flicker only briefly around the world before being submerged by the darkness, and most of us don't get through the day without being petty or spiteful at least once. We're turning our paradise into a nightmare.

And yet, everyday I wake up and dream of something better. I think to myself "today's the day something amazing is going to happen", and something always does. The human race never lets me give up hope, never stops me dreaming that we can make this place awesome to behold. That one day everyone will be able to wake up and see what I dream of, just by looking out the window.

I am 27 years old. My past is boring, but I can tell you one thing, that before I die I will change the world for at least one person. If it is with my last breath, I will make sure my life counted for something, and better, that I made a difference to someone, somewhere.

This I vow.