Saturday, 18 December 2010

On the Cusp

I must admit that until fairly recently I had felt like I was on the outside of the human race - not an outcast, but something that was not-quite human. Looking for all the world normal, but knowing I must have been quite different.

As I sit now, listening to an interesting ambient soundtrack that somehow completely captures that feeling - a little cool, a little calm, a little edgy and alien, I can totally remember what that felt like. Isolation is a strange thing - not true isolation, which is in itself a beast, but isolation of the heart...being adrift, being other, never have being touched like you meant something more than being just 'company' or a friend.

As lonely as that is...sometimes it feels like only you can see a truth that no others know, and it is sometimes a wondrous thing.

That is no longer a world I belong to however, and heh, I now feel I have to actually watch my tongue with what I say. Ah, it was strange but freeing to say whatever I liked, safe in the knowledge that no one would ever see my glib lines and amusing quips as anything but innocent. That no one could ever think it was a pickup, not because I wasn't attractive, but simply because I lacked that human quality...that my otherworldliness led me never to be thought of or considered in that way.

So strange now that I should write this, it is two-thirty in the morning, and yet it feels like the ever twilight of my heart.